Perpetual Problems

Todays post is from Trent Anderson, Grace Pastor at the White Bear Lake Campus:

Wow! What a message this weekend! Perpetual problems are quite a nuisance at times, aren’t they? I have been dealing with our perpetual problem of spontaneity versus structure for quite awhile. I am the spontaneous one that usually packs my schedule far too full, preventing me from making myself available for any quality time which my wife longs for. My wife, on the other hand, is very structured and organized and likes a plan.

Over the years I have worked hard to be aware of the need to slow down, have more of a planned/structured day, and make certain I can get to places on time and not in a frantic panic. When I operate on time and have some margin in my schedule, my wife is more inclined to appreciate me and the fact that I really do want to please her even though I don’t operate the same way.

Wouldn’t it be great if we lived out Ephesians 4:2 and Ephesians 5:2? Our marriages would be a lot less full of pride! Why not take your good marriage to great by learning from a couple who has more marital experience then you. Eagle Brook’s marriage mentoring program is grass roots, and our mentors are trained and ready to help a couple just like you. Call Dawn Hines, EBC Care Coordinator, for more details and information at 651-429-9227.

Almost anyone can tell you that “half of all marriages end in divorce.” We’re almost immune to the numbers. In today’s world, anyone happily married after ten or more years is an anomaly. And young people getting married in today’s world generally can’t even envisions being married that long!

How have you learned to accommodate your perpetual problems that make up about 70% of your issues?

Colliding

Pete and Chris Lindquist, EBC volunteers and Spring Lake Park attenders, are today’s contributors.

We have been colliding for over 25 years now. We’ve attended Eagle Brook Church for over 3 years and helped teach the pre-marriage class. Over time, we’ve read books on marriage, gone to counseling and attended conferences. Conflict is a natural part of any relationship and unavoidable. We, as individuals, have our own unique way of handling conflict, which can lead to further conflict!

Bob talked about speaking the truth in love. He said love without truth is mush and truth without love is harsh. But it is important to be able to talk about the truths that you feel and experience. They are a part of how you relate to each other.

Some deal with conflict by “stuffing,” or by withdrawing or rejecting. They might have grown up in homes where conflict was kept under wraps and things just weren’t discussed. Others ‘blow’ and deal with conflict with anger and aggression. We definitely have one of each in our marriage!

One of the keys is to recognize that each way is not right or wrong, just different. Another is to come to an understanding of one person’s need for space and time to deal with conflict, and another’s to express thoughts and feelings and allow them what they need. The secret, then, is to make time to speak the truth in love, as hard as that might be for a “stuffer” and for the “blower” to slow down and listen.

Which are you? Do you retreat when faced with conflict, or do you face it head on? Do you find it easy to express what you are thinking and feeling, or have a hard time identifying what exactly is going on inside of you?

Remember that we can focus on the negative side of our differences, or on the positive side. We all have gaps that need to be filled—we complete each other in marriage.

Variety is the Spice of Life

I’m an only child. My wife is number 9 out of ten kids. I grew up in a city; my wife is a farm girl from North Dakota. My family growing up was fairly quiet and routine; my wife’s family was full of lively energy and activity. The differences are pretty fun to look at, but they do at some point come into collision with each other.

Some of these differences are as Pastor Bob Merritt put it this weekend: “perpetual.” These are the conflicts that we have that are just there, and we’re going to have to deal with them. As Paul says in Ephesians 4:2 – “Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love.”

The key is to recognize that you both are two, imperfect human beings with faults and some level of baggage that are coming together to do this thing called marriage (and possible family). We need to extend grace to one another on a daily basis.

The second point is compromise. I grew up being very afraid of conflict and thought it was all “bad.” But every relationship has some degree of conflict and the key is to speak the truth in love. Seek to find a solution or compromise as opposed to winning the battle. You may win, but your marriage takes a loss.

So, what are those three perpetual conflicts in your marriage, and how are you making allowances for them? What are some of the ways that you’ve worked together on your differences–ways to find compromise and understanding?

Feeling Stuck?

The welcome message at most of the wedding ceremonies that I perform goes something like this: “God’s main purpose for creating people is for relationship. First, He desires to have a personal relationship with each one of us, but then, He wants us to experience loving relationships with each other. So, when a man and woman find true love and come together in Christian marriage, God is delighted.” And let’s face it –we’re pretty delighted as well. We’re all dressed up, hair is perfect and the day is typically incredible.

But then life happens. The world around us shows up, some of our inner wiring starts to show itself and that wonderful oneness that we’ve experienced in the dating and courting days starts to erode away. Sometimes we can correct things. Sometimes we’re stuck. I’ve been stuck before and as Henry Cloud mentions if we don’t have the ability to change within us then maybe we need to look outside of ourselves to find help.

One of the ways we help here at Eagle Brook Church – is with counseling referrals. We work with two great Christian counseling agencies here in the Twin Cities: Bachmann & Associates (651-379-0444, Lake Elmo & Burnsville) and Family Innovations (651-749-5019 Maplewood, Anoka and Eden Prairie). Both of these agencies are equipped with a staff that can connect with you and your family to help you where you’re at.

If you feel stuck, know that as a church, we are here to help and that we are connected with some great professional help. Someone once said – “instead of fighting each other – fight for the relationship!”

So, how do you fight against the busyness of life? What are some of the ways that you protect your marriage? If you were “stuck” in the past – how did you get “unstuck?”

So, Is Your Spouse #2?

That was kind of harsh to hear at first – but Speaking Pastor Jason Anderson hit the nail on the head this weekend in his message – “Two Commitments Every Couple Must Make.” Is your relationship with God really number one in your life – even above your relationship with your spouse? We all struggle (including me) with balancing life, and priorities can really get out of kilter. I find that my marriage works best when I’m growing in my relationship with God.

The second big question and challenge to consider – is our marriage more of a covenant or a contract? God views and desires our marriage to be a covenant and that is way different that a contract:

A Contract….
is based on mutual distrust
looks for loopholes
looks for a way out
is about feelings
is about selfishness

A Covenant….
is based on mutual commitment
is about loyality
looks for a way through
is about faith
is about selflessness

So this week – how is your marriage? More importantly – how is your relationship with God doing? Post any ideas you have that you think can make your marriage more covenant based.

EBC Marriage and Family Blog

Welcome to Eagle Brook’s blog on family, marriage and relationships. Our goal is to provide resources, information and commentary so that our marriages and families can be the best that God desires.

You’ll hear from a variety of pastors and leaders from EBC on marriage and family issues. This site will also connect you to the tools you’ll need for a successful marriage. We’ll officially launch this site during our message series Truly, Madly, Deeply… Stuck. Keep tuning in and let us hear from you.