Sacrifice is the Language of Romance

It may not be roses or expensive myrrh that is the sacrifice that will let your wife know she is being romantically pursued. However, whatever it is, you must be a student of what sacrifice looks like to your spouse.

They want to know that they are of high value and importance. That means putting them in a place of priority that falls ahead of your work schedule, your finances, or your golf schedule.

Do your best to pursue her throughout the day–starting in your kitchen, as Pastor Jason Strand inspired us to do. Then even have a discussion about what would be considered a home run when you are trying to be romantic. One clue should be to consider your spouse’s love language, and create your ideas around that.

What have you learned about sacrifice being the language of romance?

Intimacy Starts With Little Things

Lynne Jeffers is the Grace Pastor at the Lino Lakes Campus. Lynne and her husband Tom have been married for close to 17 years.”

God has blessed me with a wonderful husband. I truly feel this way 99.9% of the time. Does he annoy me on occassion? Yes! Do I annoy him on occassion? Absolutely! However, flaws and all, I still find him handsome, funny and my best friend.

After almost 17 years of marriage, what has kept the flame lit? It started with our wedding vows when we promised not to try to change each other. We accept each other – warts and all. There’s no wishing he was someone else, and vice versa.

Tom adds, “Intimacy is about the little things – a kiss good bye, saying thank you, opening doors, spending time together doing nothing at all, listening actively and genuinely enjoying what makes your wife who she is. To achieve a deep level of intimacy, you need to stop thinking of yourself as just you, and instead think of you and your wife as WE. This doesn’t mean you lose your identity, it just means you trust one another enough to become truly open with one another.”

How does this translate in the romance department? Well, he makes me feel loved always, not just when he is “in the mood.” He makes me feel that he is proud that I am his wife. I hope I make hime feel that way too. When a woman feels loved, that translates into romance.

Pastor Jason Strand shares this weekend that romance begins in the kitchen. I would add that serving your spouse in ways that you know will uniquely touch their heart can go a long way as well. Are you genuinely serving your spouse without expecting something in return? Jesus said in Mark 9:35, “So you want to be in first place? Then take the last place. Be servant of all.”

So the question is, are you making your spouse feel loved and accepted for who they are?

Love, Respect and Stepping on Hoses

“However, each of you also must love his wife as he loves himself; and the wife must respect her husband.” Ephesians 5:33

A wife works hard to prepare an awesome meal but he comes home 30 minutes late to a cold supper. Hurt, she fires off a remark as he walks through the door, “You are always late and never call. I can’t believe how uncaring you are.”

A husband works hard at his place of employment and brings home a good paycheck. In his mind, he is responsible and being a great provider to his family. But once in a while, the wife will blurt out frustration over the bills and financial pressures she’s feeling. “You need to be doing more! I wish you had another job.”

Frustrated, he cuts back, “I can’t believe how ungrateful you are! You are so selfish and I feel like the only thing you care about is how much money I’m bringing home!”

Feeling unloved, she reacts. Feeling disrespected, he shows no love. Emerson Eggerichs, in his book “Love and Respect,” says that when these things play out, it’s like we’re stepping on air hoses, suffocating life-breathing love to our emotional tanks. And then the “crazy cycle” happens.

In not feeling loved, she’s disrespectful. She doesn’t see his need to be respected, nor does she care as she only sees the love void in her life.

In feeling disrespected, he’s unloving. He doesn’t see her need to be loved as he sees his need for respect. Both can react by pushing the other off of the air hose with the biting comments. The spinning continues unless you put a stop to it.

“Be completely humble and gentle, be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit with the bond of peace” (Ephesians 4:2-3).

Eggerichs says that we need to humble ourselves and husbands need to learn to know what it means to love their wives. And wives, who are very wired to show love, need to understand that as husbands, our air hose is hooked up to a “respect tank,” and you can either fill it or puncture it by your words and responses.

So, can you relate to air hose analogy? When you step on your spouse’s air hose, how do they react? How do you see the differences in men needing respect, and women needing to be loved?

Grace

He was all smiles and she was at the peak of happiness. Sean and Katie just “tied the knot” yesterday and I had the honor of performing their wedding ceremony. Weddings are such a reminder for me to think about my own marriage and the vows and commitment that I made before God, family and friends over 27 years ago.

Jesus Christ gives us the great commandment in Matthew 22: we’re to love the Lord our God with all of our heart, soul and strength; and the second, we’re to love others as we would love ourselves. On your wedding day, that seems like a piece of cake as you are brimming with love. But how do you keep the unity, oneness and love going throughout the years?

As we submit and entrust our lives to God, we need to extend grace to each other. By definition, grace is unmerited favor and God is the greatest giver of grace. His loving, redeeming and forgiving us is what we need to do in our relationships, especially in marriage. By unconditionally loving our spouse, we’re called to seek forgiveness when we blow it. Not just saying “I’m sorry,” but embracing true Biblical confession and repentance.

We’re also called to forgive each other as well. Because no one is perfect and we all are flawed people, there will be times that we will disappoint each other. When that happens, make the conscious choice to quickly forgive and invite God back into the center of your relationship. In doing these things, you’ll build the trust and unity that God desires for your marriage.

So – how do you extend grace in your marriage? What are some of the ways you keep God on the throne of your relationship?

The Chase Is On!

So now it’s a 12 second kiss?

If you’ve lost that loving feeling in your marriage, that’s not OK. If the emotional spark is gone, you need to put the chase back in your marriage. Here are a few ideas for you:

• Read a good book together on marriage. One of the books we recommend is Gary Chapman’s “The Five Love Languages.” We all have a need to be loved and this book will help you learn your spouse’s way of receiving love and how to express heartfelt commitment to your mate.

• Pursue each other. Is your schedule so booked that you don’t have room to spend any quality time with your spouse? Remember, one of the best gifts you can give your children, let alone each other, is a healthy marriage – so make the time to be together. Take a walk after dinner, plan a date night this week, turn off the computer and have a conversation with your spouse. Work at making this a priority.

• Attend a marriage conference. We are very blessed here in the Twin Cities to have several nationally known conferences in town. This August, Dr. Gary Chapman will conduct a “Toward a Growing Marriage” day long seminar (www.lifeway.com/tagm). Every March, the Family Life Conference is in town in Minneapolis and host a Weekend to Remember Marriage Conference (www.familylife.com).   I’ve been to serveral and these are excellent and fun!

I’m sure there are more ideas out there. What are some of the ways that you keep the chase in your marriage? If the spark has declined, how have you ignited the flame?

Somber Warnings

I really thought he had it all.

When I heard that he was speaking at the upcoming winter conference, I was excited to start inviting others to come and knowing that they wouldn’t be disappointed. Big in stature (kind of the “I played football at a D-1 school” type) he had a commanding presence at the podium. Being a seminary grad, his grasp of the Bible was phenomenal and he spoke with both fun humor and intense passion. When he would finish a message, students would flock up to him afterwards to ask more questions or tell him he did a great job.

And then, like an unexpected punch in the stomach, I heard the horrible news. He had fallen. A regular counseling relationship with a female church member had crossed over the line. He was ordered to step down at his church. His speaking calendar which was typically booked up for two years was emptied. All that he had going for him was gone in a flash.

I was angry. I felt upset. But mostly, I felt a somber fear inside. No longer could I say those words, “that will never happen to me!” Because if his marriage, ministry and life could get blown apart by a string of bad decisions; adultery could happen to anyone. It could happen to me. It could happen to you.

James 1:15 says “Each one is tempted when by his own evil desire he is dragged away and enticed. After desire has conceived it gives birth to sin, and sin, when it is full-grown leads to death.”

So, how do you resist the temptations that are out there? What are some of the ways that you protect your marriage?

Good Choices

Todays post is from Dawn Hines, Care Coordinator at Eagle Brook Church:

My husband, Lynfield, and I both majored in college in “Communications.” So you would think we would be pretty good at this whole communicating thing in our marriage. We took the classes on gender communication and learned that men and women interact in drastically different ways. We learned and observed what men need in a relationship, and what women need in a relationship. There is just one little hitch.

Head knowledge does not always translate into action. A few months ago I re-learned a valuable lesson the hard way. I came home with a sour attitude. I started a conversation with my husband in a harsh way over something that was irritating me. We proceeded to have a “snappy” conversation about the topic (which I cannot remember). Our disagreement came to an end when I realized that sitting on our table was a vase filled with flowers that he had picked up for me. I will never forget the two drastically different messages we were sending each other. One of thoughtfulness and love, the other of crabbiness and dislike.

Thankfully today is a new day.

I CHOOSE to communicate in a way that strengthens my marriage.

I CHOOSE to laugh with my husband.

I CHOOSE to kiss him for 6 seconds every morning.

I CHOOSE to start conversations with thoughtful words.

What is one choice you will make this week that will help you strengthen your marriage?