Repeating Patterns of Failure

Proverbs 21:11 – “A fool repeats his folly.”

Pastor Bob Merritt, in his message “Overcome Your Need to Blame” talked about blaming others for chaos at home and what you can do about it.

“You come home from work, and your teenager made a mess of the house again, and you nag them to clean up and to do their homework. They disrespect you, it escalates to yelling and verbal abuse, so you retreat in exhaustion and give up, almost every day. And without knowing it, you slip into auto pilot and just repeat the same things over and over again without trying to find new ways to respond.”

Someone once said that the definition of insanity is repeating the same thing over and over, expecting a different response. If your yelling, guilting and nagging hasn’t worked in in the past, there’s a high probability things won’t change in 2010 if you continue to use the same parenting tactics. So what do you do? As Bob suggests:

1. See a professional and get some advice. The good news is that there are great resources out there where you can learn how to be effective in your parenting. Should counseling be in order, check out a couple of agencies we have linked for you in our resources.
2. Establish new rules and boundaries and enforce them. If the boundaries are broken, deliver the consequences. Find out those ‘pressure points’ with your children. Is it the cell phone? Getting grounded from using the car? Time off of the computer? Whatever it is, stop bailing them out.
3. Load up on good parenting books. Bob mentioned It’s Not My Fault by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend and Family First by Dr. Phil McGraw.
4. Learn and apply new relating skills.

Making changes can be a challenge, and you may see a battle on your hands. But it’s worth it. It’s your life. It’s your family. They’re your kids. With God’s help and the help of others (and good resources) you can make your home a happy and healthy environment. How have you brought order to the chaos at home?

Great Dates Take a Plan

Every man likes going on a well planned date. If something is well thought out and works to perfection, it is sort of like winning a competition. Men are competitive, and when they can please their wife and fill her with joy, that is the ultimate victory!

I don’t know about you, but I love to make my wife happy and see her really enjoy herself. Taking her out on a thoughtful date is one way I can make her feel valued, and special. She puts in so much work throughout the week, keeping our families’ schedule organized, chauffeuring kids here and there, making meals that I can come home to, as well as the majority of the household chores. So, when I can rally back with an extra fun activity that gets the two of us out and in a position of full engagement with one another, that is a real win!

However, even though I truly enjoy being creative for my wife and it’s something I like to do, I don’t often make the time to do it. So, when I came upon this great resource, Six Great Dates, I was intrigued and fired up! Each date is set up with a template/planning guide that you simply follow. Just fill in the places you would like to go, and provide the good conversation! These ideas are very creative, and you men really need to dive on this opportunity. 

As you test it out, please respond with your opinions or success stories! We’d love to hear them. Thanks!  Trent Anderson – WBL Grace Pastor

http://marriedlifeonline.com/greatdate_np.jsp

Questions for a Frantic Family

 

 

“If my clients ran their companies the way we run this family, they’d be out of business.”

I couldn’t resist this one. Patrick Lencioni is one of my favorite authors and speakers. He’s been featured at the Willow Creek Leadership Summit and has written some great books like “The Five Dysfunctions of a Team” and “Silos, Politics and Turf Wars.” To see him tackle the organizational challenges of today’s busy families is awesome and worth passing on to you. So, instead of giving you it all in one big lump, I’ll be going though it so you can digest things in better bite-sized pieces.

As he takes us through a fable of a frantic family and their frustration with schedules and pace of life, Lencioni poses six questions that a consultant would ask a company to help clarify who they are:

!.  What is your ultimate reason you’re in business? (core purpose)

2.  What are the essential characteristics that are inherent in your organization and that you would never knowingly violate?  (core values)

3.  What specifically does your organization do and for whom?  (organizational definition)

4.  How do you go about doing what you do that differentiates you from your competitors and gives you an advantage?  (strategy)

5.  What is your biggest priority and what do you need to accomplish it?  (goals)

6.  Who has to do what to achieve your goals?  (roles and responsibilities)

Now, take these questions and begin to apply them to your organization – your family.  What are the answers you come up with? 

 

 

Not Without You – Part 2 – Salt & Light

I love Mexican food. I could eat Mexican food at every meal, including breakfast. I love the flavors of green chilies, cilantro and fresh onion. I love salty tortilla chips and home-made salsa. I’m getting hungry right now as I write.

One day, I thought I’d try some low sodium products, thinking it would be a healthy alternative.  It may be healthier, but it was so bland, boring and flavorless—that I threw it away.   

One of my favorite passages is Matthew 5:13-16, “You are the salt of the earth. But what good is salt if it has lost its flavor? Can you make it salty again? It will be thrown out and trampled underfoot as worthless. You are the light of the world. Like a city on the hilltop that cannot be hidden. No one lights a lamp and then puts it under a basket. Instead, a lamp is placed on a stand, where it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise your heavenly Father.”

I think Jesus said this because he really desires and calls each and every follower of his to be salt to those around us. Salt gives flavor, it preserves and it creates thirst. Light exposes reality and shows us the path to follow. So, as a family or married couple—are you salt and light to those around you? Do people see Christ in you, in your marriage and in your family? Are you creating a thirst for Christ among those in your neighborhood?

Not Without You – part one

 

We’re about to embark on quite an adventure – come along for the ride.  I’m going to take the next couple of weeks to talk about where God is leading our church and how you and your family can be a part of it.

God is doing BIG things at Eagle Brook Church. And the next few months will stretch us all. This season of our church’s history is developing around the theme Not Without You—and it will require all of us as to rely entirely on God and participate in what He’s calling us to do. 

As we begin the new message series, starting this weekend, here are some action items for you:

• Make sure you pick up your journey guide.  Students will be receiving their guides at Ground Zero and Revolution on Wednesday night.  Bring your booklet with you for the weekend services for notes and reflections.
• As a couple or as a family – flip through the guide to get familiar with the contents. 
• Consider going through the daily journal time as a couple or family.  Share with each other some of the insights that you’re learning as you go through this.
• You can learn more about the proposed Blaine campus and stay current with the latest developments by frequently visiting the Not Without You website. The website will give you updates as more details about the plans for EBC’s future become available.

2 Corinthians 9:8 “And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things, at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.”

Garage Sale Sadness

Sophie the dog needed her morning walk and my wife and I started down the street when we came upon our neighbors, three doors down, setting up for a huge garage sale. That’s when our hearts broke.

In addition to a driveway filled with furniture, kichen items and kid toys, we saw the realtor sign in their front yard.

Thinking they were going to upscale their lives to a new and bigger home, my wife asked, “so, where are you guys moving to?”

The reply from the wife of the family hit us like a ton of bricks: “I’m not sure where we’re going – my husband cheated on me and he’s gone. Our family is in disarray right now.”

Like walking into a yard where the contents of their lives were blown apart like a bombing took place, I looked at the remains of their life, possessions and family, all strung about their driveway and garage. I began to wonder about this family. The kids. The marriage. Their pain. What happened? How did it start?

I began to think about the husband. I didn’t know him at all, but I wondered how this all started? Was it someone at work that he flirted with? Did he complain to her about his life and marriage? Did they have that lunch together that crossed over into a dangerous area of vulnerability? When did they break the physical boundaries that led to the destruction of their marriage? How did the wife find out? Did he tell her? What did they say to their kids? How deep are the wounds and scars in their hearts?

Proverbs 4: 24-27 “Avoid all perverse talk; stay away from corrupt speech. Look straight ahead, and fix your eyes on what lies before you. Mark out a straight path for your feet; stay on the safe path. Don’t get sidetracked; keep your feet from following evil.” (NLT)

Families and marriages don’t blow apart overnight. It all starts with the small things that add up and gain a dangerous momentum. And then one day, you’re selling all the possessions that you shopped together for or got as a wedding gift in your driveway.

Marriage is hard. It takes a lot of work and effort. But it’s worth it. If there is distance in your relationship, get some help. If you are beginning to step out of bounds, emotionally or even physically with someone else – stop it.

So how to you keep your relationship on track? What tips can you give others on keeping your relationship pure?

PreMarriage Class at Eagle Brook Church

If you and your honey would like to tie the knot at EBC, or have an EBC pastor officiate your ceremony, you need to take our Pre-Marriage class – September 25th & 26th at our White Bear Lake Campus. It’s a great step to get your marriage started off on the right foot, and you will get a discount on your marriage license. You can register online at www.eaglebrookchurch.com or at the Box Office this weekend.

You’ll hear topics such as communication & conflict, finances, love languages and intimacy. It’s loads of fun and the price includes lunch and snacks.

So, those of you with some marriage experience under your belts – what is the one piece of advice you’d give these soon-to-be newlyweds?

What is Your Top 5%?

Last weekend (Labor Day Weekend), Jason Anderson wrapped up the “Just Like Us” series on Elijah, who dealt with burnout. If you didn’t get an opportunity to hear the message, make sure you catch it online at www.eaglebrookchurch.com.

Our busy schedules can leave us feeling empty, exhausted and even burned out. Elijah also reached a point where he was physically and emotionally depleated (1 Kings 19) and we can see where he found his recovery. The three ways Elijah found relief was to rest, walk closely with God and do only what you can do.

How is your pace? Are you allowing yourself ample rest? Are you spending quality time with God in prayer, worship and Bible reading? As you examine your life, what are the roles that only you can do? What are those top 5% responsibilities that you can’t delegate or hire someone else to do? Here are mine:

1. Only I can develop and grow my relationship with God. I am responsible for this and not the church.
2. Only I can be a husband to my wife and a father to my children. No one else can be there emotionally and relationally for them.
3. Only I can work and provide for my family. (note that this is #3 and not #1!)
4. Only I can use the spiritual gifts that God has given me to serve others and those with in the church.
5. Only I can manage the margin in my life that is needed for family, friendships, health and exercise.

Getting these proirities in shape will positively influence the other 95% of your life. If you’re like me, I can be ‘out of shape’ in these areas (I can see 3 of them that needs some immediate attention!) and I can also get them out of order as well.

What is your ‘top 5%’ in your life? How well are you doing with them and what are some of things that you’ll be doing this fall to get in or keep in shape?

Gary Chapman the Love Language Guru is in Town!

The EBC Grace Staff wanted to personally invite you to come and listen to Gary Chapman a relationship expert with more than 35 years of experience in marriage and family counseling experience. Known for his humor he’ll keep you laughing as you learn about successful relationships. As a Grace staff we encorporate his teaching into our own Pre-marriage seminar. Reserve September 12th, 9 am – 4 pm – Redeemer Lutheran Church, 61 Mississippi Way, Fridley MN 55432. Cost is $75/couple. To find out more visit www.redeemerfridley.org or call Becca Benson 763-242-9766.

Managing Your Families Fall Season

It’s Minnesota State Fair time—which signals to all families that the summer is drawing to an end. With our tray tables up and seat backs in their upright position, we are zooming down the runway, getting ready to lift off into the fall season. When people ask me about the fall, the most overused phrase that comes out of my mouth is the word “busy.” I sense it in our office and I can feel it in my pulse. The calendar gets turned and here come the commitments and schedules. Here are three areas to consider when it comes to managing your families fall schedule.

#1—Make sure you schedule in quiet and rest. We can pride ourselves in our ability to multitask. I’m guilty of it. I’ll come home, turn on the TV, pop open the laptop to check email and get on the phone to return calls all at the same time. Dr. Archibald Hart, a noted Christian psychologist, comments that the brain is not wired for the multitasking that we so commonly see. There is actually a stress load that comes with this, and adrenaline is released into our systems. Adrenaline is a great thing when we need to run away from a dangerous situation, but a constant bombardment of it is quite damaging to our systems. Make sure you schedule a Sabbath day of rest in your family. Decide to take an ‘electronic fast’ from time to time during your week, so you can quiet your heart, mind and soul. Psalms 46:10 says “Be still and know that I am God.” It’s hard to listen to God when we’re running at a break neck pace.

#2—Recognize the value of family time. Parents and kids can be running from friend to friend, activity to activity. Make sure you schedule time to be together as a family. Meal time is a great way to be together to visit with one another, so decide and protect how many meal times you’ll be together. Try to find activities that you all can do together as a family—whether it’s a game night, or playing a sport together. Prioritize spending time with your family over other friends or acquaintances.

#3—Don’t over commit to your activities. Don’t be involved in activities just because everyone else is. Choose wise activities for your family, that bring enjoyment and growth. When it comes to your children, Dennis and Barbara Rainey of Family Life Ministries have found that you can best support your children’s strengths with ongoing involvement in just one or two activities or sports. Choose activities that will build character, and will instill lessons learned for life. Monitor part-time jobs and workloads as they suggest limiting them to ten hours a week.

So – what is your plan for this fall? Any tips for us?

For further reading, see Parenting Today’s Adolescent: Helping Your Child Avoid the Traps of the Preteen and Teen Years by Dennis and Barbara Rainey (1998, Thomas Nelson Publishing).