Managing Your Families Fall Season

It’s Minnesota State Fair time—which signals to all families that the summer is drawing to an end. With our tray tables up and seat backs in their upright position, we are zooming down the runway, getting ready to lift off into the fall season. When people ask me about the fall, the most overused phrase that comes out of my mouth is the word “busy.” I sense it in our office and I can feel it in my pulse. The calendar gets turned and here come the commitments and schedules. Here are three areas to consider when it comes to managing your families fall schedule.

#1—Make sure you schedule in quiet and rest. We can pride ourselves in our ability to multitask. I’m guilty of it. I’ll come home, turn on the TV, pop open the laptop to check email and get on the phone to return calls all at the same time. Dr. Archibald Hart, a noted Christian psychologist, comments that the brain is not wired for the multitasking that we so commonly see. There is actually a stress load that comes with this, and adrenaline is released into our systems. Adrenaline is a great thing when we need to run away from a dangerous situation, but a constant bombardment of it is quite damaging to our systems. Make sure you schedule a Sabbath day of rest in your family. Decide to take an ‘electronic fast’ from time to time during your week, so you can quiet your heart, mind and soul. Psalms 46:10 says “Be still and know that I am God.” It’s hard to listen to God when we’re running at a break neck pace.

#2—Recognize the value of family time. Parents and kids can be running from friend to friend, activity to activity. Make sure you schedule time to be together as a family. Meal time is a great way to be together to visit with one another, so decide and protect how many meal times you’ll be together. Try to find activities that you all can do together as a family—whether it’s a game night, or playing a sport together. Prioritize spending time with your family over other friends or acquaintances.

#3—Don’t over commit to your activities. Don’t be involved in activities just because everyone else is. Choose wise activities for your family, that bring enjoyment and growth. When it comes to your children, Dennis and Barbara Rainey of Family Life Ministries have found that you can best support your children’s strengths with ongoing involvement in just one or two activities or sports. Choose activities that will build character, and will instill lessons learned for life. Monitor part-time jobs and workloads as they suggest limiting them to ten hours a week.

So – what is your plan for this fall? Any tips for us?

For further reading, see Parenting Today’s Adolescent: Helping Your Child Avoid the Traps of the Preteen and Teen Years by Dennis and Barbara Rainey (1998, Thomas Nelson Publishing).

The Art of Conflict

Lynne Jeffers is the Grace Pastor at the Lino Lakes Campus

There are few people I know who enjoy conflict. Most get a small pit in their stomach when there is any kind of relational friction. My husband and I are experts of dancing around any full blown confrontation with each other (notice I did not say we were expert dancers!) Whether it comes from our childhood or other experiences along the way, we’ve found that when we need to address an issue, we take some time, then tip-toe a bit to test the water (sometimes too carefully) and then work very hard to address an issue respectfully, and in a manner that won’t hurt the other, but will be helpful.

Barbara and Dennis Rainey put it this way, “Spouses can learn to be each other’s best friend by learning the gentle art of confrontation. Blessed is the marriage in which both spouses feel the other is a good friend—one who will listen and then respond, who will understand and who will work through whatever needs to be dealt with.”

In Ephesians 4:15, Paul says, “Speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church.”

It’s also important to lay ground rules prior to a conflict arising. Agree how you may disagree or address it, long before there is a situation.

What can you do this week that will contribute to the “art of gentle confrontation” in your important relationships?

Laughter – Good Medicine for Your Marriage

So how is the laughter level in your marriage? Authors Les and Leslie Parrot have some reasons to have laughter as an important element in your marriage.

“Laugher is good medicine, literally. It has important physiological effects on you and your soul mate. The French philosopher Voltaire wrote, “The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient while nature cures the disease.” Modern research indicates that people with a sense of humor have fewer symptoms of physical illness than those who are less humorous.

This idea, of course, isn’t new. Since King Solomon’s times, people have known about and applied the healing benefits of humor. As Proverbs tells us, “A cheerful heart is good medicine.” (17:22)

A number of years ago, we were having a group of family and friends over for a holiday meal. Keeping with her family tradition, my wife cooked up a large batch of Norwegian (or is it Swedish?) meatballs, gravy and mashed potatoes. It was a big process and we were looking forward to the meal. Just as people arrived, my wife went to the kitchen counter to take the large casserole of meatballs to the table and then it happened. All of those delightful, gravy laden meatballs slipped out of her hands and fell to the floor – shattering the glass covering into pieces everywhere and of course, all in the meatballs.

We had that moment where, with mouths open, we looked at each other to see how we were going to react. It was then we shouted “new tradition – pizza for Christmas!” And while several cleaned up the mess, I gave a call to order up the replacement evening meal.

This was definitely one of those situations that could have turned ugly and ruined our whole night—but we didn’t let it. Instead, we chose to let humor lighten the mood, and we made the best of the situation! Humor can often time be a great solution to keep things in perspective and not take ourselves too seriously.

Take it from the professionals! Legendary comedian Bob Hope says laughter is an “instant vacation.” Jay Leno says, “You can’t stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.” And the great Bill Cosby says, “If you can find humor in anything, you can survive it.” Researchers agree. Studies reveal that individuals who have a strong sense of humor are less likely to experience burnout and depression and they are more likely to enjoy life in general — including their marriage.”

So how does a sense of humor help your marriage or family relationships? Do you have any funny stories to share?

Mentoring: A Tool For Success

We believe that every relationship needs a basic ‘tool kit’ to succeed. If couples 1) know the strengths/weaknesses of their marriage; 2) learn to communicate effectively; 3) understand how to resolve conflict; and 4) are truly committed to their partner, marriages will grow and be enriched.

Marriage mentoring* at Eagle Brook links seasoned couples with less experienced couples to enrich the marriage experience, taking marriages from ‘good’ to ‘great.’

A MENTOR IS…
• A brain to pick (imparts knowledge and shares experiences)
• An ear to listen (empathetic and non-judgmental)
• A push in the right direction (encouragement… and occasionally a kick in the pants).

We take you through a 12-week, 7-session program, tackling these topics:

Week 1/Session 1: What mentoring is/isn’t.
Week 2/Session 2: Communication.
Week 3/Session 3: Conflict Resolution.
Week 4/Session 4: Marriage Stages—New love, disappointed love, committed love (taken from Dennis & Barbara Rainey’s book Rekindling the Romance).
Week 6/Session 5: Couple’s Choice (couple selects topic/issue/concern to drill down, diagnose, deal with, improve)
Week 8/Session 6: Couple’s Choice
Week 12/Session 7: Wrap-up (confirm lessons learned and skills developed).

If you would like to be part of marriage mentoring at Eagle Brook (either as a mentor or to be mentored), contact the Grace team at 651.429.9227.

*Eagle Brook recommends professional counseling agencies for marriages in distress. If you would like a referral, call the Grace ministry at 651.429.9227.

We Were Made For Relationships

By Cindy Lannon, Quest 180 Coordinator

Relationships can difficult, or even painful at times to say the least. But, they can also be wonderful. So how do we bridge the gap between those two extremes? We need to look to the expert!

In his book, “The Relationship Principles of Jesus,” Tom Holladay says that “on one side of the gap is the reality of failed marriages, absent parents, rebellious children, disloyal friends, and gossiping churches. On the other side of this gap place the words of Jesus: ‘A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another’ (John 13:34).”

When I look at how big this gap really is, I can easily work myself into a Grand Canyon-sized depression. How is it possible to ever bridge such a distance?

When you’re in trouble you need an expert. If you’re having problems with your kitchen sink, call a plumber; if your car’s transmission is going out, go see a mechanic. What about relationships? Who is the expert? The world’s foremost expert on relationships is Jesus Christ. Just look at the way he related to people. Jesus was great at relationships.

This past winter my husband and I invited four other couples to go through “40 Days of Love,” a 6-week DVD study taught by Pastor Rick Warren of Saddleback Churck. Each group member had a study guide, and each couple purchased Holladay’s book. I believe that it is safe for me to say that each person in our group thought this was an amazing study.

This book will guide you through six very relevant principles that are each broken down into even more detailed points that are easily understood and very applicable. These principles are:

1. Place the highest value on relationships
2. Love as Jesus loves you
3. Communicate from the heart
4. As you judge, you will be judged
5. The greatest are the servants
6. Treat others as you want them to treat you

At the end of each chapter you will be given a point to ponder, a verse to remember, and a question to consider.

In the weekly DVD viewed as a group, you will complete your study guide as Pastor Warren spends time teaching on one of the principles, and if you’ve seen or listened to him before you know that he speaks truth with grace, and a bit of humor to boot. Our group looked forward to these teachings. Weekly, you will be challenged to do something practical during this study, reaching out to others.

This 40-day journey is designed to bring new health and richness to participants’ marriages, families, friendships, and all the relationships in our lives, producing deeper connections and renewing rocky relationships.

Holladay writes, “God wants us to depend on him for the power to love. So he challenges us to love in a way we can only accomplish through dependence on his power.” Holladay bases these principles on an extensive study of what Jesus lived and taught about relationships and actions towards others.

So gather your friends, commit to six weeks, and learn something new to make your relationships the best they can be!

Summer is Here!

June is here and with it comes wrapping up the school year, graduations, trips out of town and summer sports schedules. Barbara Rainey, wife of Dennis Rainey who heads up Family Life Ministries gives some great advice on managing an effective summer schedule:

“Before summer started, Dennis used to say to me, “Sweetheart, what do you want us to accomplish by the time we finish August and move into the school year?” He knew I was the one who had my finger closest to the pulse of our family’s needs and schedules and would probably have the biggest hand in implementing the answer to his question.

Truly, the pressure to create the right kind of summertime environment in your home falls largely on Mom. Summer should be a time of rest, but it’s also up to us to keep things moving in a way that integrates rest with a measure of purpose.

For me, it meant letting our kids have lots of time to play—building forts in the yard (or in the living room if it was raining), going on hikes, going swimming—anything that didn’t involve wasting a perfectly good day in front of the television. It also meant having some enforced quiet time, when I would read to them or send them to their rooms to spend time alone. I wanted to discipline their hearts to enjoy solitude and to help truly recharge after the fast pace of the school year.

If you’re a mom who puts a lot of emphasis on structure, I’d encourage you to tone your plans back about 50 percent as summer approaches. Take the time to let some air blow into your schedule, and resist the urge to be constantly checking your list for accomplishment.

If you’re more of a free spirit who basically lets both hands off the reins, try to put a little thought into summer on the front end. Set a few goals for the type of activities you’d like to pursue, the relationships you’d like to deepen, the trips you’d like to take. Make this a summer you’ll never forget.”

So what are you planning this summer? How do you manage the schedule so that you and your family can take some time for refreshment?

Sacrifice is the Language of Romance

It may not be roses or expensive myrrh that is the sacrifice that will let your wife know she is being romantically pursued. However, whatever it is, you must be a student of what sacrifice looks like to your spouse.

They want to know that they are of high value and importance. That means putting them in a place of priority that falls ahead of your work schedule, your finances, or your golf schedule.

Do your best to pursue her throughout the day–starting in your kitchen, as Pastor Jason Strand inspired us to do. Then even have a discussion about what would be considered a home run when you are trying to be romantic. One clue should be to consider your spouse’s love language, and create your ideas around that.

What have you learned about sacrifice being the language of romance?

Intimacy Starts With Little Things

Lynne Jeffers is the Grace Pastor at the Lino Lakes Campus. Lynne and her husband Tom have been married for close to 17 years.”

God has blessed me with a wonderful husband. I truly feel this way 99.9% of the time. Does he annoy me on occassion? Yes! Do I annoy him on occassion? Absolutely! However, flaws and all, I still find him handsome, funny and my best friend.

After almost 17 years of marriage, what has kept the flame lit? It started with our wedding vows when we promised not to try to change each other. We accept each other – warts and all. There’s no wishing he was someone else, and vice versa.

Tom adds, “Intimacy is about the little things – a kiss good bye, saying thank you, opening doors, spending time together doing nothing at all, listening actively and genuinely enjoying what makes your wife who she is. To achieve a deep level of intimacy, you need to stop thinking of yourself as just you, and instead think of you and your wife as WE. This doesn’t mean you lose your identity, it just means you trust one another enough to become truly open with one another.”

How does this translate in the romance department? Well, he makes me feel loved always, not just when he is “in the mood.” He makes me feel that he is proud that I am his wife. I hope I make hime feel that way too. When a woman feels loved, that translates into romance.

Pastor Jason Strand shares this weekend that romance begins in the kitchen. I would add that serving your spouse in ways that you know will uniquely touch their heart can go a long way as well. Are you genuinely serving your spouse without expecting something in return? Jesus said in Mark 9:35, “So you want to be in first place? Then take the last place. Be servant of all.”

So the question is, are you making your spouse feel loved and accepted for who they are?

Love, Respect and Stepping on Hoses

“However, each of you also must love his wife as he loves himself; and the wife must respect her husband.” Ephesians 5:33

A wife works hard to prepare an awesome meal but he comes home 30 minutes late to a cold supper. Hurt, she fires off a remark as he walks through the door, “You are always late and never call. I can’t believe how uncaring you are.”

A husband works hard at his place of employment and brings home a good paycheck. In his mind, he is responsible and being a great provider to his family. But once in a while, the wife will blurt out frustration over the bills and financial pressures she’s feeling. “You need to be doing more! I wish you had another job.”

Frustrated, he cuts back, “I can’t believe how ungrateful you are! You are so selfish and I feel like the only thing you care about is how much money I’m bringing home!”

Feeling unloved, she reacts. Feeling disrespected, he shows no love. Emerson Eggerichs, in his book “Love and Respect,” says that when these things play out, it’s like we’re stepping on air hoses, suffocating life-breathing love to our emotional tanks. And then the “crazy cycle” happens.

In not feeling loved, she’s disrespectful. She doesn’t see his need to be respected, nor does she care as she only sees the love void in her life.

In feeling disrespected, he’s unloving. He doesn’t see her need to be loved as he sees his need for respect. Both can react by pushing the other off of the air hose with the biting comments. The spinning continues unless you put a stop to it.

“Be completely humble and gentle, be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit with the bond of peace” (Ephesians 4:2-3).

Eggerichs says that we need to humble ourselves and husbands need to learn to know what it means to love their wives. And wives, who are very wired to show love, need to understand that as husbands, our air hose is hooked up to a “respect tank,” and you can either fill it or puncture it by your words and responses.

So, can you relate to air hose analogy? When you step on your spouse’s air hose, how do they react? How do you see the differences in men needing respect, and women needing to be loved?

Grace

He was all smiles and she was at the peak of happiness. Sean and Katie just “tied the knot” yesterday and I had the honor of performing their wedding ceremony. Weddings are such a reminder for me to think about my own marriage and the vows and commitment that I made before God, family and friends over 27 years ago.

Jesus Christ gives us the great commandment in Matthew 22: we’re to love the Lord our God with all of our heart, soul and strength; and the second, we’re to love others as we would love ourselves. On your wedding day, that seems like a piece of cake as you are brimming with love. But how do you keep the unity, oneness and love going throughout the years?

As we submit and entrust our lives to God, we need to extend grace to each other. By definition, grace is unmerited favor and God is the greatest giver of grace. His loving, redeeming and forgiving us is what we need to do in our relationships, especially in marriage. By unconditionally loving our spouse, we’re called to seek forgiveness when we blow it. Not just saying “I’m sorry,” but embracing true Biblical confession and repentance.

We’re also called to forgive each other as well. Because no one is perfect and we all are flawed people, there will be times that we will disappoint each other. When that happens, make the conscious choice to quickly forgive and invite God back into the center of your relationship. In doing these things, you’ll build the trust and unity that God desires for your marriage.

So – how do you extend grace in your marriage? What are some of the ways you keep God on the throne of your relationship?